Life goes on. In the future, if one is going to have a miscarriage I would recommend it not be on a holiday weekend. While you are deep in your sadness and trying to hold it together, everyone around you is moving on. Everyone else is celebrating and posting happy pictures. And inside I feel so heavy. And so empty. I feel this weird combination of empty and heavy at the same time.
On July 2nd I lost my first baby. It was scary and traumatic. It was messy and undignified. It was spiritual and meaningful. I feel so incredibly sad. I wanted to have and hold my baby. I had been dreaming and planning ever since we found out and confirmed our pregnancy 4 weeks ago. We made the decision last week to share the news with our parents and siblings only to have to follow-up the happy news with news that there would be no baby next February. The thing that makes me cry the most is thinking about how we disappointed our families by saying there would be a new grandbaby or a new niece or nephew for them to love and then taking that away from them. Of course they have been so supportive and I appreciate how they are saying such kind things to me. It just hurts my heart that they also are grieving this loss, but I cannot imagine going through this without their support.
I am extremely thankful for my husband. I cannot imagine having another person to go through this with. He is here. He is showing up for me and holds me, lets me cry, tries to make me smile, and promises me we will get through this. I know he is right. I would give anything to take on his sadness so he didn’t have to experience it and in a way that is how marriage works. You share good times and hard times. You want so badly to only have the other person experience happiness. I am grateful that marital vows include in good times and in bad because that is real life. I am thankful for my husband.
The hardest part is that there is no guarantee that this is the only time I will have a miscarriage. I would love to be certain that I will go on to have a baby. I have been assured that a miscarriage is common and that the majority of women go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I trust that God has a plan for me and that it is a good plan filled with blessings. I also know that my plan does not always look like God’s plan for me. I pray that I will be able to carry our babies and birth them and raise them. I want this for me. I want this for my husband and for our families.
I know I titled this the meaning of a miscarriage. I know it implies that I have found meaning and come to peace with it. I don’t have the words for the meaning of this miscarriage. I don’t know if there is a meaning for losing my baby. And for right now that is okay. My midwife (and reputable online community posts) have encouraged me to allow myself to grieve. So I letting myself be sad and to be okay that I don’t understand why this happened. I am sad and feel empty and feel heavy and disappointed. I am also at peace because I know and belong to a great God who loves me and protects me and promises to care for me. If I could gift anything to other women and couples who are experiencing a loss of a baby I would want them to feel peace that transcends understanding and that they would have a supportive community that surrounds them. And not to experience a miscarriage during a holiday.