Not There Yet

Rose of Sharon Tree

It has been 6 weeks since I had a miscarriage. I stopped bleeding and cramping two weeks after the miscarriage on July 2nd. I was able to take some days off of work and even travel with my husband to Milwaukee on a business trip and do some exploring. We bought a Rose of Sharon tree and planted it in my in-laws’ yard in memory of our baby. I have talked to my mom and a friend who has had 2 miscarriages. I’ve read other blogs and other posts from women in the #ttccommunity. I have gotten back on my regular running routine. And still I don’t feel better. When does it get better?

Part of me hoped that if I follow the steps of the grieving process then I would feel better. I am surprised at the length of time that it is taking to feel better. I’m sad. I can’t even talk about the miscarriage and losing my baby without crying. I can’t even think about her without even crying. When does it get better?

I am feeling the strain on my marriage. I don’t believe it’s just the miscarriage. We are also going through a home renovation and unexpected bills that do not help our financial situation. I am anxiously waiting to hear back about a job I applied to. I keep saying “I just don’t feel like a person”. What I mean when I say that to my husband is that I am having a really hard time just interacting with other people and being my normal happy and silly self. I usually will go above and beyond, almost in an unhealthy way, to accommodate others, but I find myself not having the energy to do that. Tony is dealing with the grief in his own way and although he was willing to talk and talk and talk with me right when I miscarried, I am now feeling like a burden to him with my sad feelings and desire to still process what happened to us. Other people have commented that our marriage will be stronger because of this. I am hopeful that that is true, but we are so in our struggle right now, it is difficult to see the positives. I know we will come out on the other side, but right now we are not there yet.

I am so sad. I feel so lost. For the brief time that I was pregnant I felt so filled with purpose already, ready to become a mama to my baby. I had already started making plans. Now I don’t know what my purpose is. I am not functioning well at work and my motivation is low. My mom and good friend keep telling me that it’s okay that I’m still grieving. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just accept that I’m not okay right now. I will be going to see my family in Cincinnati and I am hopeful that just being around them will help me to feel better. I can’t tell anyone when you start to feel better after a miscarriage because I am not there yet.

I know the next thing people are curious about is when we will try again. I’ve heard advice not to wait to long again after you miscarry. I’ve heard that because we were able to get pregnant once there is a good chance we will be able to get pregnant again. Tony is taking more of the approach of thinking we won’t actively try, but we won’t actively prevent. Right now I know emotionally I am not ready to be pregnant again. I need to take time to grieve and to be okay with myself and be centered again on finding my identity and purpose of Jesus. If I had to say a time right now, I would guess we will start trying again in 3-4 months. Part of me wants to start right away, but I think emotionally and financially it will be best if we wait. Deep breath. I know things will get better. I know the grief will stay with me and I will be able to live with it and function. I am just not there yet.

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